[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
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Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?