*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.