[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Well, that should do it
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.