If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
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Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”