*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
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[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Always…
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”