Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
This could be us… but you playing
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.