You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there