I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
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Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
reduce, reuse, recycle
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.