My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.