I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out