Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
*gets down on one knee*
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Its true…
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.