13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
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4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.