Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!