If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste