[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Cardio Made Easy
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
The sacred texts.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
A game married people play.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.