Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
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Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
figuring out my emotional availability:
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right