Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
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[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Lassie, get help!
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.