I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
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Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I put the h in mysterious.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.