[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
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Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I feel like one of these would kill a European
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.