Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
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The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Ummm
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
ready to be harvested
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker