I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Cat is stressing him out.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew