Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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we’re gonna need another temp
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Lassie, get help!
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.