How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
hmmm