When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
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Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord