Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
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[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.