I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
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[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?