Not helping
You Might Also Like
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
not to brag, but mine was free
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight