*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
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the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Just me and my debit card against the world
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*