Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
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*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Happy Friday
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
The cake is mightier than the sword.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.