I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.