I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
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I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
why I oughta
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”