Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
No, he would not have.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that