How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
incredible book dedication
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.