She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
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ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place