My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
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I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
…żyje?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.