I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula