the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
How to wake up a Beagle
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.