My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
You Might Also Like
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
jesus, what did this guy do
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.