Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
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if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
that lip filler tho
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[shakes fist at other fist]
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
What my back needs
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Straight people are cancelled