Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
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Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”