My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Morning my dudes.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
The three genders.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”