“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
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The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.