Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay