This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
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This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”