UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
You Might Also Like
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
There’s never enough good news
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
LOOOOOOL
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
The government even made aliens boring
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Ok who’s got my black socks?
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.