Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.