“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
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[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.