*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
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Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.