Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
You Might Also Like
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I don’t know what to do
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.