Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
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It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Squirrels before girls.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK